I wait excitedly for Fall each year because it feels like a time of transformation. With Halloween as a promise, the freaks get our moment to shine in the mainstream and watch the collective explosion of imagination as people dip their toes in the cool waters of fantasy, costuming, character development, power shifts, and the sweet release of being yourself by being something totally other than yourself. And all drenched in a newfound or expanded sense of sexiness. People knock the Spirit Halloween genre of sexy costumes, but I say, let the sexy nurses and sexy Pikachus and, yes, even the sexy traffic cones have their moment. We all deserve a space to explore our hotness (and humor) through play and fantasy, however that might look.
Besides all the fun and fantasy of the season, Halloween also creates space for deep exploration of our gender identities and sexuality. For some folks, it’s a safer time to try out aligning their gender presentation with their gender identity for the first time (I’m looking at myself dressing up as Merlin the magician every year for several years as a kid). For others, it’s a way to explore a fursona and embrace the magic of spending a stretch of time embodying their inner sexy beast. It can also be a great time for role reversal for some folks. You know your friend who in real life prefers to follow rules instead of making them? The same one who dresses up as Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise and is automatically space Daddy for the evening? That’s the magic of Halloween and also the magic of finding your fantasy and… making it so.
I love the mashup dynamics that develop at Halloween parties. Imagine Dorothy ending up in a bar in Bushwick where she’s being abducted by a sexy alien in dayglo body paint instead of a tornado. Or a pair of star-crossed lovers a la Romeo and Juliet, but it’s a vampire and werewolf pairing running off to the cemetery to consummate their forbidden affair. This is the kind of energy Halloween offers us that we can harness into our fantasy and role-play lives year-round.
Many don’t explore the idea for fear of being silly, doing it wrong, or feeling somehow intimidated by the idea of “acting”.
Valentine T.
Different people find role-play hot for different reasons, but many don’t explore the idea for fear of being silly, doing it wrong, or feeling somehow intimidated by the idea of “acting”. I’ll go ahead and give you permission now to fumble, get stuck, say cheesy lines, forget what you’re saying, and start, stop, end, or reimagine your role-play at any moment; and of course, to laugh. Let’s unbutton our top buttons, let out a deep breath, and go into this with the framework of playing pretend and having fun rather than crafting a scene.
Here are some tips for getting started with role-play:
Start with yourself
Explore what turns you on, what makes you feel hot, and what passing moment or fantasy makes your body tingle or your brain spark. Remember that this part is just about desire. It doesn’t have to be anything rational in the 3D world. It can be anything from a full-on fantasy to a sensory memory or a tactile yearning. You may already have go-to’s from reading erotica or watching porn or from everyday interactions that you find sexy.
Ask yourself, what about this feels hot to me? Is it a power dynamic? An aesthetic? A sensation? A feeling? A texture? The possibility of bondage, impact play, or sex? And once you’ve identified that piece, hold on to it. This piece can help you bring the fantasy to life, making it translatable to different scenarios that you can then co-create and negotiate with a partner.
Describe your fantasy, ask [your partner] to picture themselves in it, seek input, ask about their fantasies, and give them time to think it through.
Negotiate and communicate with partners
Let’s say your fantasizing and self-exploration have led you to the conclusion that you’re really turned on by the idea of a role-play that has a clear power dynamic. A good place to start is to brainstorm some relationships where those dynamics can exist like in a doctor/patient scenario or a teacher/student scenario. These can serve as building blocks for negotiation with another person. Bring your ideas to a partner and describe your fantasy, ask them to picture themselves in it, seek input, ask about their fantasies, and give them time to think it through.
If your role-play involves types of play that are new to one or both of you, learn about them together. You can practice skills beforehand to keep the learning sexy. For example, if you’re inching into the world of power exchange, I would recommend starting off with some essential reading like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. Similarly, if you’re doing any play that involves bondage, check out books like Bondage Basics or The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and get comfortable enough with the skills you’ll be using in your scene so when you’re playing you can do so safely and with more ease. Practice doesn’t only help things run more smoothly during your scene, it’s also fun and can give you tons of information about what you like and don’t like.
Do you want certain words used in referring to your body parts that are different than your everyday language?
Once you’ve decided what you’re going to do, talk about what that really means:
Don’t shy away from the deep stuff if it feels deep for you. Even if your roleplay feels a little lower stakes emotionally, it still helps to have some conversations about things that might come up. What are some things that are on the table and some things that are totally off? You’re playing as characters that are not your usual selves, so this may mean you want to be referred to by certain terms that don’t usually come up. Some examples might be Daddy, Captain, Ma’am, pet, prey, princess, thing, Queen, etc. Do you want certain words used in referring to your body parts that are different than your everyday language? This can apply to all kinds of fantasy play or gender play. Your hand IRL might be your claw in your role-play, or your clit might be your cock, your hair might be your mane, and you may want to have your body imagined differently altogether. If you’re a tree in your roleplay, you might not have arms or legs but branches and roots, and your holes might have different uses or meanings altogether.
Setting boundaries is an important part of these pre-role-play conversations also. Be clear about what’s off the table in terms of sex acts (or whether sex is involved at all). Language can be a real turn-off also, make sure you and your partner know what words are no-gos.
Make sure you think of safewords that are not going to come up in your role-play and that are easy for everyone involved to remember.
Set some parameters and safety measures:
An essential communication need in role-playing is setting a safeword. There are many scenarios in which “no” or “stop” are part of the dialog of the role-play. Make sure you think of safewords that are not going to come up in your role-play and that are easy for everyone involved to remember. I like to use the same safeword in all my play so I don’t forget it, but you may choose different ones based on the context or play partner.
You might also want to set a clear beginning to a role-play. You can decide whether the role-play will begin outside of your home, like meeting each other as strangers in a bar, or you can decide it starts when one of you walks into a room that has already been set up with the props or sex toys you’ll be using. Some people find it really easy to shift gears and just start talking as their characters while others like to have some time or ritual to leave the real-world demands and transition into fantasy space.
Don’t write a script
I often remind people that this isn’t a play or theatrical production, it’s fantasy and fun in the bedroom. Writing a script with lines to memorize can be really confining and take away spontaneity. It can also create a lot of pressure and stress to try and remember lines. Instead, try to play off of each other’s energy. Prompt each other with questions and don’t be afraid to ask something silly or something that you already know the answer to.
There are no hard and fast rules to creating a role-play, with practice you can learn what works for you. Remember that your imagination is a really powerful tool and can take your kink and sex life to new heights. No matter how otherworldly your role-play idea is, there is always some aspect of it that you can harness to bring it to life. Keep an open mind and enjoy the journey of playing pretend in a sexy way. Take what makes sense for you from these tips and make them your own and most importantly HAVE FUN bringing your fantasy to life!
