When most people think about safer sex, they think of sex impeded by awkward conversations and sensation-blocking barriers, entirely lacking in the spontaneity, closeness, and stickiness that make an experience fucking special. But safer sex practices, rather than dampening an experience, can ignite it and lead to more adventure, more spontaneity, more intimacy, and—if you’re trying to have them—more orgasms.
The fact is, safer sex is hotter sex.
It’s hotter because it’s based on communication. It’s hotter because it’s based on consent and mutual respect. And it’s hotter because once you dive into safer sex, you can go so much deeper—in every sense—than ever before.
Most of us didn’t start our sex lives with a framework for talking about sex. If you’ve seen your desires widely represented, it can feel like you’re somehow just supposed to know what to do. For those of us who haven’t, the scripts are even more opaque. But the only way to begin to approach not only safer sex, but also sexual pleasure, is to talk about it. The conversation isn’t, “I don’t trust you, so I want to protect myself,” but, “I want us each to have the best possible experience together. What can we do to make that happen?” By including not only safer sex barriers and STI testing, but also what you want to do together (what kinds of touch you do and don’t want, and what words you like to use for your body) you can explore a much wider sexual landscape.
So how do you start to talk about safer sex and pleasure, especially with someone new?
Make sure you cover your specific safer sex practices, including what barriers you use and when, how many other partners you currently have, when you last had an STI test, and what the results were.
First, have the discussion well before the moment. Think of it like a conversation with a friend about meeting up for a distanced hangout during the pandemic. You wouldn’t want to be face to face when you found out they’ve been getting weekly unmasked haircuts; you’d want to know before you were breathing the same air. Similarly, talking about sex when you’re outside of the context in which you could have it lowers the stakes and gives everyone a chance to regroup or act on what you talk about—such as buying extra gloves or condoms, or getting fresh STI and COVID-19 tests.
To broach the topic, open with something like, “I’d love to talk about sex before we have it.” If you’re not comfortable being that direct, it might feel easier if it doesn’t seem like the topic is coming from you. Try, “This might be weird, but I was reading an article about safer sex and…” Make sure you cover your specific safer sex practices, including what barriers you use and when, how many other partners you currently have, when you last had an STI test, and what the results were.
After you each share what you do alone, discuss what you’d like to do together. What have you been fantasizing about? What’s on the sexual menu? And what’s in your safer-sex toolkit? Here are some suggestions. Remember, all barriers are single use and should be changed between different body parts or bodies, so make sure to stock up.
In either case, taking the condom for a test run during masturbation can help you get a feel for the fit without having to worry about safety.
Condoms
Condoms are the obvious safer-sex barrier for people with penises, but they’re versatile enough to use in lots of different ways: roll them down over a strap-on, pull them over the top of a wand vibrator, or tie them off with a small vibrator inside. If you’re using condoms with a flesh-and-blood penis but haven’t found one you actually like, try out different brands, sizes, and shapes until you find a fit and sensation that you and your partner(s) can get excited about. If you’re using them with a strap-on, compare the measurements of the condoms with those of the toy and look for a snug, but not super tight, fit. In either case, taking the condom for a test run during masturbation can help you get a feel for the fit without having to worry about safety.
Lube Lube, part of safer sex? You betcha. Lube is what makes using barriers not only bearable but pleasurable and even better than bare skin. In skin-to-skin sex, some lube absorbs quickly—but with gloves, condoms, or dental dams, lube will stay where you need it a lot longer. Lube also reduces friction, keeping everything slippery and making genital microtears or barrier breakage during sex less likely.
For safer sex, stick to water- or silicone-based lubes; oil-based lube is fun for solo sex, but degrades barriers. And if you’re using silicone sex toys, stick to water-based lube, since over time silicone lube will break down silicone toys.
